Funny methods to trap a lion!!!

Newton 's Method:

Let, the lion catch you.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Implies you caught lion.


Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.

Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.

Now you can trap it easily

Police Method:

Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.


Rajnikanth (Tamil Actor) Method :

Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.

The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.


Jayalalitha Method:

Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !


Manirathnam (Tamil Director) Method:

Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark

room with a single candle lighted.

Keep murmuring something in its ears.

The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.


Karan Johar (Hindi Director) Method:

Send a lioness into the forest.

Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.

Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.

First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.

But 2nd lioness loves both lions.

Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.

You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!


Yash Chopra (Hindi Director)method:

Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.


Govinda (Hindi Actor) method:

Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.


Menaka Gandhi method:

Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.


George bush method:

Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!


Rahul Dravid s method:

Ask the lion to bowl at u.

U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run

Lion becomes tired and surrenders


Software Engineer Method:

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.

If anyone comes back with issues tell them that you will upgrade it to Lion.



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Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband:
Nothing.

Wife:
'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour.'

Husband:
'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------


Wife
: 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband:
'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife:
'Yes or no.'


Wife:
'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?'

Hubby:
'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife:
'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby:
'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------


Stress Reliever Girl:
'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy:
'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl:
'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------


Son:
'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom:
'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son:
'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________


A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


------------------------------------------------------------


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'


-------------------------------





Husbands are husbands


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

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Funny Conversations!




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Amazing Posters!!!






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Smart Malayalee

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room.
One of the candidate is our Kutty.


Bill Gates: Thank you for coming..
Those who do not know JAVA may leave.


2000 people leave the room.
Kutty says to himself,
'I do not know JAVA, but I have
nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try !'


Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more
than 100 people may leave.


2000 people leave the room.
Kutty says to himself
'I never managed anybody by
myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can
happen to me ?' So he stays.


Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may
leave.


500 people leave the room.
Kutty says to himself,
'I left school at 15, but what
have I got to lose ?' So he stays in the room.


Lastly,
Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat
to leave.


498 people leave the room.
Kutty says to himself,
'I do not speak one word of
Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose ?' So he stays
and finds himself with one other candidate; Everyone else
has gone.


Bill Gates joined them and said
'Apparently you are the only
two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to
hear you have a conversation together in that
language.'


Calmly, Kutty turns to the other candidate and says


'Naatil Evidey ?'


The other candidate answers...


'Thrissur"

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A victim of chain mails!!!

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008 and continuing it in 2009

Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.


* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.


* Forwarded hundreds of mails but still waiting for FREE DESKTOP, LAPTOP, CAMERA, CELL PHONE etc….

* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer...


* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

* When I go to parties, I don't look at any guy, no matter how hot he is, for fear that he will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

*
I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)

* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle's property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy.

* I have forwarded 35 emails to 400 people hoping that Ericsson or Nokia will send me latest mobile phones but those models are also obsolete now.

* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh , Tirupathi Balaji pics etc. Now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone else)

IMPORTANT NOTE
:
If you do not send this Message to at least 11,246 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will sit on your head today at 6:30pm.

Nothing has happened till now......... ......... ...but who knows. So please forward.

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"True" Vegetarian

Each Friday night after work, Amir would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbours were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Amir, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Amir attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, “You were born a Muslim, and raised a Muslim, but now you are a Catholic."

Amir’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighbourhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Amir's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Amir, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yara, you are a potato and tomato"!

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Political jokes. No Offence!

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:


'I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of
everything.' 


============ ========= ========= ========= =====


Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:

Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my 
condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs.. I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that...

Bush: What buildings? What people??

Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now? 

Bush: It's eight in the morning.

Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!


============ ========= ========= ========= ====


Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bar man, 'Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?'

The bar man says 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Hello, what are you guys doing?' 

Bush says, 'We're planning world war 3' 

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

And Vajpayee says, 'Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman.' 

And the guy exclaimed, 'A bicycle repairman?!! !' 

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!'

============ ========= ========= ========= ===== 

Pakistani on the moon:

Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon? 

A: Problem...

Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?

A: ....... Problem Solved!!!


============ ========= ========= ========= ===== 

A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.

He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: 'You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'. 

The man says: 'But I am not a New Yorker!'

Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 

'Brave American saves life of little girl' the policeman answers.

'But I am not an American!' - says the man. Oh, what are you then?'

The man says: 'I am a Pakistani!' 

The next day the newspapers say: 'Extremist kills innocent American dog 
'

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ECONOMICS

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS

You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid,
British for technology, French for submarines, Switzerland for loans,
Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim exploitation by
the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of
four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the
blame on some nation with cows and say that that nation is a danger
to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab that nation's
cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years,eat
once a month
and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge owners for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and
market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and
arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

BANGLADESH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know economy.
You choose one of them as the Prime Minister of the country
and the other as the Leader of the Opposition.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

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Why would Bill Gates sell Microsoft?!

Letter is from George. W. Bush to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft
Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some
Problems, which I want to bring to your notice.


1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to California ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I
Find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4.. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find'
Button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not
Provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards,

George. W. Bush

Last one from him to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

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Cool Carry Bags





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Cup illusion

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Call Centre!

PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS R PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE

                              TAKE A LOOK:


  1 ) Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
                           Customer   : "Ok."
      Tech Support   : "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
                           Customer   : "No."
      Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
                                                      Customer: "No."
      Tech Support   : "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this                             point?"
      Customer   : "Sure, you told me to write 'click'  and I wrote
                                'click'."

                ----------------------------------------

   2) Customer   : "I received the software update  you sent, but I am
                 still getting the same error  message."
             Tech Support : "Did you install the update?"
   Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"


           --------------------------------------------------

      3)Customer  : "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
              Tech Support   : "Tell me what you've done."
                   Customer   : "I typed 'A: SETUP'."
  Tech Support   : "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
  Customer   : "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
    Tech Support   : "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
  Customer   : "What?"
  Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
  Customer: "No..."

           --------------------------------------------------

      4).Customer   : "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
            Tech Support  : ?!%#$   (welll pretend to smile)

           --------------------------------------------------

  5).Tech Support   : "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,
                 canyou see the 'OK' button displayed?"
        Customer   : "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

                       Tech support   :  ##### ***

           --------------------------------------------------

         6) Tech Support : "What type of computer do you have?"
                       Customer   : "A white one."
                    Tech support  :  ******_____####

           --------------------------------------------------

     7). Tech Support   : "What operating system are  you running?"

                         Customer   : "Pentium."

                     Tech support   :  ////-----+++
           --------------------------------------------------

   8). Customer   : "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
                        Tech support   :  ??????

           --------------------------------------------------

              9).Customer   : "I have Microsoft Exploder."

                          Tech Support  : ?!%#$
           --------------------------------------------------

             10).Customer   : "How do I print my voicemail?"


                        Tech support   :  ??????

           --------------------------------------------------

  11). Customer   : "You've got to fix my computer.  I urgently need to
         print document, but the computer won't boot properly."

                  Tech Support   : "What does it say?"

      Customer   : "Something about an error and non-system disk."

   Tech Support   : "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

    Customer   : "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

                         Tech support   :  @@@@@
           --------------------------------------------------

   12). Tech Support: "Just call us back if  there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."

                    Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

           --------------------------------------------------

         13). Tech Support   : "What does the screen say  now?"

             Customer   : "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

                        Tech Support   : "Well?"

              Customer   : "How do I know when it's ready?"

                     Tech support   :  *** ---- ++++
           --------------------------------------------------




  14). A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power  supply.

Tech:   (keeps quite for moment)

Tech: You'll need a new power supply

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the  startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll  need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just  needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

Tech support:: 10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

                        Tech support::(hush hush)
   Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

                            User: I knew it!

   Tech   : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let  me know how it goes.

                            10 minutes later.

      User   : It didn't work. The power supply is  still smoking.

            Tech   : Well, what version of DOS are you using?

                          User   : MS-DOS 6.22.

   Tech   : That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the  file. Let me know how it goes.

                              1 hour later.

                   User  : I need a new power supply.

          Tech support  : How did you come to that conclusion?

                      Tech support  :  (hush hush)

   User   : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

                       Tech: Then what did he say?

  User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.


            -------------------------------------------------

                        Height Of all (Too Good)

   15) customer care officer : I need a product identification number right now and may I help u in finding it out?

Cust: sure

CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?

Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer?

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Information(?) Technology!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I Would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The man below says, 'Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, Hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude.'

'You must be a programmer,' says the balloonist.

'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' says the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is Technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your Information and the fact is I am still lost.'

The man below says, "You must be a project manager."

'Yes, I am,' replies the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' says the man, 'you don't know where you are, or where You are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to Keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.'

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Awesome Flash Drives!







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Coincidence photography 2

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Doctor!!!

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.


The mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute.'


The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, 'So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? '


The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic .....
What did he say?


Guess.























He said : 'Try to do it when the engine is running'.

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Great Answer Sheet!!!



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Desperate students during exams







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Visits